Saturday, December 6, 2014

Fashion and Nakedness

...sometimes we need to get naked.  Let me explain.

I am a frequent flyer on Facebook.  On there, many of my friends share great encouraging sayings and such, which are full of strength and grace.  They share words that speak to the basic idea that we are all doing the best we can with what we have, that we often forget just how much we do have, that we are strong and beautiful and loved, and that we should value ourselves.  All good, encouraging reminders to all of us to be kind to ourselves and not underestimate ourselves as friends, mothers, daughters, sisters, as women.  I love it - I love them all.

But today I was reminded that those kind and strengthening words are like clothes, like fashions that we carefully choose and put on to set off our assets as best we can, and hide our imperfections.  They make us feel beautiful and valuable, and that is important.  They have an important place.

Intimacy though, that most profound of personal connections that changes us and touches us in our true heart of hearts - intimacy requires nakedness.  For intimacy, with God in particular but also with our lover; intimacy requires that we let ourselves be known just for who we are.  In order for our hearts, our insides, our true selves to feel a real and deep connection to another we have to shed our fashions and our beautiful exteriors we work so hard to create, and let ourselves be seen fresh-faced and bare - nothing hidden or disguised.

That this takes courage is an understatement.  But it is here, when we lay down and take off all our reasons however true and valid they are:  "I did the best I could with what I had"  "I cannot be all things to all people" "It isn't all my fault" "I can't control how he/she reacts to me" "Nobody's perfect" "I can only do what I know" "I gave everything I have/had" etc.  Here, when we can admit to our God and ourselves that even so, even with all of that, we were/are not enough or not as much as we wanted/want to be, that we could not save our dear one from ____, or that we have hurt those we love: whatever failure strikes at our hearts like no other - here is where - if we can be that naked - we can have the very humbling experience of true forgiveness, acceptance and free love of our God.  Our hearts crave that kind of connection.

But as long as we still have our clothes on, some things, like real, humble, honest and excruciatingly vulnerable connection does not happen.

Clothes and fashion and effort put toward who we present ourselves to be and how we look to others are important.  Intimacy is not appropriate and in fact is devalued if we apply it to every setting.  But is is terribly needed, both with another human being and with our God, if we are ever to experience real and true love, acceptance and forgiveness - of the sort that changes who we are.

I pray for you, that you would have the courage to lay it all down, take it all off in your life, and let true love into your soul.

Sunday, November 16, 2014

you are SUCH a NAG!! Ouch.

We like to say some people are nags, but in truth I think most of us have taken our turn at it.  We nag ourselves, we nag each other, we nag our kids.  We nag when something bugs us but for whatever reason that's as far as we have moved toward the problem.  We get stuck at expressions of irritation and our desire for it to STOP!  There is no action phase to the nag.  I guess that's why it happens over and over again until both nagged and nag want to scream and get far far away from each other.

Nagging is a sure sign of disconnect.  It shows a disconnect in the nag, between the desire for change and the lack of action.  It also shows a big disconnect between the nag and the nagged - also shown by the lack of action.  If the nagged was really connecting with the nag, then action would be taken, and change would happen, right?

I think nagging is the result of lack of attention.  I swat at things when I nag, like swatting over and over again at an annoying fly in the kitchen, but never stopping what I am doing to find the fly swatter and deal with it, or to shut the screen door so that they stop coming in!  Nagging is not a sign that everyone around me doesn't care about me.  Nagging is a sign that I have not given the issue the attention that it clearly deserves.  If the issue is a constant irritant, then it must matter enough to get some of my attention.  If it didn't matter, I would quickly forget about it, let it go, shrug it off, ignore it.  I don't nag about those things.  Much.

Nagging is horribly negative though, because it sends the regular message:  You are a problem, you are not succeeding right now, you are failing right now, you have let me down yet again.  Over and over again that same message.  Who needs it?  Do I really want to be embodying that kind of message? And more importantly, what effect is the disconnect having on my relationships?

I can't nag myself to stop nagging the people around me.  Like my own nagging of others, that won't work.  But I have created a plan to move from nagging to action and silence it for good, one issue at a time.  To do that, I created this list of questions for myself, working with the belief that if I am nagging about this it obviously matters enough to me to warrant my attention. I think I owe that to myself and to the nagged one as well.

So with a particular nagging issue in mind I asked myself:

1. Does he/she (the object of your nagging) really understand what I am asking of him, why and when this is/isn't appropriate, why this is a problem and what he can do about it?  Do I even understand why this bugs me so much?  Have I communicated this in a way he can understand it?

2. Can he do this?  Considering maturity, age, ability, disability, emotional maturity, other life demands right now and temperament, is what I am asking even possible?  And if it is possible, how difficult is it?  Can I help?

3. How important is this for me, for us, for his future, for our future, for building life skills?  What is at stake for him if this doesn't change?  For me? If I let this go all the time, what will the ramifications be? In light of that, should this be a priority?  Are there other things I am asking that are more important and should take centre stage right now?  Can this wait for the right time?

4.  Am I prepared to dig in and insist even if/when he pushes back about this, and even if I have to impose a consequence (for children) or pay the price of holding my ground frequently?

5.  How can I follow through/hold my ground effectively?  Considering the possible frequency of the problem, what would an effective, relationally healthy and 'doable' consequence/ground-holding look like?

6.  How can I equip him vs. control him and/or punish him?

7. Since it is always true that we can not change each other but only ourselves: Is there anything I can change in myself, such as my reaction/attitude/etc. with regard to this issue that I should consider?Should I be looking elsewhere for the resolution to this for myself?

After I made this list I was feeling very clever and oh so effective.  So I began.  No. 1.  Does he really understand?  I began to look into this.  I made some effort to make sure of this, and to teach this kid what I was asking in a different way that might make more sense to him, considering who he is (vs. who I am).  And I am happy to report that as of now, problem is solved.  An understanding has been reached and we are no longer disconnecting on this issue.

So numbers 2-7 remain for the next time I realize I am again being 'such a nag!'

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Thirty things that have changed in my life since I started counting calories:

This is a list of some of what has changed in my life since I started counting calories last winter.  I am quite amazed at most of these - not what I expected!  Which is why I am sharing.

1. I have lost quite a bit of weight.  (Yes, I did expect and hope for that!)

2. But I am shocked and kind of horrified at how much I ate before; probably twice as much as I do now. It took about 6 weeks to adjust, but now if I eat the amount I ate before I feel terrible and uncomfortable and yucky for quite awhile afterwards.

3. This fact (eating less) allows me to buy better quality food and some foods I didn't before because of the cost, since cutting quantity by half has saved us a lot of moolah!

4. Two large monkeys are off my back: The critical b&%*@ that harped on me about my weight every morning when I looked in the mirror is one.  When I started this I decided that I either had to shut her up or do something about what she was saying.  I chose the latter because I knew I wouldn't succeed in truly convincing myself that 'just the way I am' was okay with me.  I didn't realize how much that was affecting me, but it makes sense - I was being criticized and nagged every single morning!  Who needs that?!

4. The second large monkey off my back is worrying about my husband's health every time I heard or read about the risk factors for a heart attack.  I know there are no guarantees, but he has removed this risk factor from his life. That is a great relief to me.  (In fact it was him that got us started on this, and he has lost more weight than me.)

5.  He doesn't snore any more.  (see also number 8 and number 12!)

6. I finally eat fish twice a week, like they say we should, for our health. I always read about this and thought 'I should do that' but never did it.  Now I do simply because fish is a low cal. protein, and it is also super easy and fast to cook.  And I have discovered that I love shrimp!

7. I finally eat lots of fruits and veg, for the same reason.  Dinner is now 1/4 of our plate meat, and 3/4 vegetables, and a starch only when the protein isn't meat.

8. I don't eat junk food.  I just can't fit it into my calorie count unless I give up a meal, and I am unwilling to do that.  The simple fact is that junk food has so many calories I can't eat it without going over my limit.  And truth be told, if I have extra calories I can eat, I choose dark chocolate or Baileys in my chai tea!

9. I sleep better.

10. I feel stronger and I can do more without getting out of breath.  (I am working out twice a week as well)

11.  I am much more motivated to work out, since when I burn more I can eat more.

12.  Instead of avoiding physical activities I look for the opportunity to do them in the course of my day, both because I can do them more easily now, and because of number 11.

13. I am very happy with how I look.  (I have dropped 3 sizes)  This sounds vain I know, but like it or not it is honest.  (And I don't know a woman out there (or man either actually) who doesn't secretly and honestly want to look good.)

14.  I am not tired all the time.  When I wake up in the morning I feel rested.  (Unless I stayed up too late the night before!)  Before I started working out I felt tired and dragged all the time - even went to the doctor to find out why.  Since I have lost weight this has improved even more.

15. I pay attention when I am eating.  I don't get to eat whenever and whatever anymore, so I make sure I enjoy every bite!

16. If I don't like it a lot, I don't eat it.  I just don't have enough calories to waste some of them on mediocre food!  I even will take one bite of cake and put it down if it isn't beyond delicious!  This is amazing to me! I would never have done this before.

17.  See above: I pay more attention when I am cooking, and put extra thought into trying to make things that are delicious.  I cook vegetables much more creatively and with a lot more variety.

18. The portions in most restaurants are so huge, I have trouble eating out.  It just seems like such a waste of both food and money to only eat half of it, and a lot of the so-called healthy choices on many restaurant menus actually taste boring, dry and terrible, so I prefer to eat at home.  This is quite a switch for me! High end restaurants are far healthier both in food ingredients and in portion size. And they put a lot of effort into creating great taste without relying on salt, sugar and fat.  So I don't eat out much; I can't afford it!

19. If I decide to indulge and go over my calorie limit, it is for something absolutely grand, delicious and worth it!  Like butter tarts:  I pay attention, eat slowly and savour every single bite. Or a beautiful, expensive glass of red wine...

20. I no longer think of food as a stress reliever or something that I 'deserve' after a bad day.  The cost of eating like that longer term is too high for me.  I can feel good (eating it) for a few moments, or I can not eat it and feel good overall.  I look at food as both an amazing pleasure and necessary fuel. Eating because I am stressed out actually doesn't make me feel better, it depresses me now because I know I will pay for it in ways that I don't want.

21.  Sometimes I walk away from the snack for a few seconds and ask myself:  Which do I want more? What is more important to me right now: potato chips, or to be thin and healthy?  Because I know I can't have all three. (And actually the last time I had a couple of chips I didn't even like them as much as I remembered I did!)

22.  Each day is a unit unto itself: success has to happen within each day or almost every day, or I will not succeed.  Trying to carry things over, as in 'I will make up for this tomorrow', doesn't work for me. That quickly becomes an excuse for me to ignore my limits.  Similarly, if I go over one day I have to leave that in the past and start fresh the next morning.  One day at a time is really what I need to do.  This has got me thinking about other areas of my life where I procrastinate....

23. I don't drink pop or juice any more, because I don't want to drink up my calories, Pop and juice don't fill me up, so I am left with no calories remaining and still hungry.  So I drink water, club soda with a bit of 100% real cranberry, cherry or lime juice in it, and also lots of tea. Sometimes I decide to have a lovely Somersby Apple Cider on a summer afternoon or a great glass of wine with dinner but when I do I have to treat it as food.

24. Interestingly, I don't crave salty snacks any more.  I crave sugar.  I have no idea why this is, since my whole life I have preferred salty snacks vs. sweet.  But now sugar in fruit really hits the spot, and I will often have honey in my tea. Sugary desserts usually taste too sweet, unless (what is this?) a lot of butter is also involved.  Like in butter tarts...or pie...mmm...

25. I have learned to my surprise that 'healthy' foods are often higher in calories, such as quinoa vs. rice, whole wheat vs white flour in baked goods, nuts and seeds vs crackers.  So if I am eating these healthy foods I can't just switch them in for their less healthy counterpart like I was doing before; I have to change how much of it I am eating too, or I will gain weight.

26. Similarly, 'healthy' fats like olive oil are still fats and very high in calories!  So I have to think 'as little fat as possible' and not just 'olive oil is good for me'  or I will use too many calories up in fat.

27. I haven't had bacon in a long time...

28. Every day can be a 'special occasion' if I use that as a reason to eat more or something high in calories!  Really!  My definition of a special occasion has narrowed down quite a bit!

29. Some people (who know I am counting or know I have lost weight) are uncomfortable around me now, especially when there is food around.  I don't like this.  I decided I wanted to do this for me.  I wanted to shut up my inner b^&%* and feel better.  Whatever works for you is not on my mind.  I can't hear your inner b&*^? or feel how you feel, so how you eat/live doesn't bother me.  I care about who you are and that you are okay.  And I hate how we compare ourselves to each other.  I hope you don't feel like I am judging you just because how I choose to eat/live/whatever might be different than you. And if your inner b#$&^@ is telling you that when you are around me, then you need to slap her, because that is not true.  And I don't like it when people say things like 'you are so lucky you don't have to worry about your weight,' as though it is happen-stance or luck that I am thin now.  It isn't, it is a choice I have made. And it is hard work.  It's not that I need you to acknowledge that for me, but it bugs me because with that statement you are also saying 'I can't do this/have this for myself."  When the time is right, you can.
And I don't like how it feels like being thin and sort of in shape is something that comes between me and some people.

30. Some of my friends think I am depriving myself and hard on myself because I don't allow myself to have certain foods or large amounts of foods any more.  But in truth I feel amazing and blessed and fortunate and pretty much the opposite of deprived!  

I am working on this concept in other areas of my life...

Thursday, July 3, 2014

Freedom to ...what?

I recently posted a Facebook status about how hard it is to live within my means. Why on earth should that be so hard and feel so counter-cultural?  Shouldn't living within our means be a no-brainer?  And a friend suggested maybe I should blog about it, so here I go.  This is more a stream of thought than a well thought out post, so bear with me. Maybe it will come together in the end. 

We have what we have, right?  We earn whatever money we earn, and that is what we have to spend.  We are the age that we are, and we all pretty much maintain a steady activity level, whether it is very active or inactive.  So it follows that our bodies need a consistent amount of energy to function.  No?
Our bodies need nutrition and they need to be cared for in order to function properly.
We have 24 hours in a day.
We have a fairly consistent amount of energy.  It varies from person to person for a lot of reasons, by I have a fairly consistent amount of energy, even if it is different from yours.
We need 7-10 hours of sleep each night, experts tell us.  And when I get that amount, I can tell that they are right.
We need to rest.  We need to play.
We need to eat our veggies.
We need our significant relationships to be healthy and alive.

We all read these articles and nod our heads in agreement.  We experience these things to be true in both our own lives and in the lives of people we know. Often. 

So why does it feel like we are restricting or depriving ourselves when we live within our means? 

What is it about living this way: not spending more money than I have, not eating more fuel than my body needs, not burning the candle at both ends, not saying yes to more than I have the energy to do, investing time in my important relationships, and in resting, playing, exercising...

What is it about that that feels restrictive?  Do I really think I am, in truth, so much bigger than these external realities?  Or do I think I should be beyond these limits, or that I need to function outside of them?  Why do I want to?  What am I trying to say about myself or trying to be?  Super-human?  What do I want for myself when I try to live outside these realities? 

I say try to, because they are realities we cannot actually live beyond, not in any kind of sustainable way. 

Or maybe we can.  I can live outside my financial resources by borrowing.  As a result, I can live with less financial restrictions.  Or can I?  Even with borrowing, there are limits.  And I add to my life the weight of owing money to someone, some place.  That burden feels restrictive.

I can eat whatever I want whenever I want to.  Or can I?  When I don't get the nutrition I need, my body doesn't function well, the way I want and need it to.  The extra gets stored on my body as fat.  The fat and its effect on my health restricts me from doing certain things easily and freely.  (It also gives me an inner nag, a regular critical voice I have to listen to every single day: when I get dressed and take a mirror check to see how do I look? and when I go out the door each morning thinking how do I feel today?  Up to it, or not up to it? Living with that is depressing and restrictive too.)

I can choose to stay awake as long as I need to, to get things done or in order not to miss something, or in order to avoid the dark and the quiet and being with myself.  (Not to be confused with insomnia - which is not a choice)  Or can I?  The resulting fatigue is restrictive, on my well-being, my mood, my creativity, my energy level...

So why do I feel restricted and deprived when I decide to live within my means? 

It's not just me either.  Other people have said things to me like "don't you feel like you are depriving yourself?"  and "you deserve that doughnut", piece of cake, chips, new pair of boots, dress, expensive vacation, whatever.  And, very ironically, - "you should accept yourself the way you are!" (vs. losing my extra weight).  Most of us are not comfortable living within our means.  We don't want to, and we don't like it when other people do. 

Somehow we connect this stuff with our freedom and our worth. 


Being in debt feels anything but free. 
Being overweight doesn't feel free either.
Being tired and/or being unhealthy feels like the most limiting feeling ever.
Having no relational support feels lonely and horrible. 


Being out of debt feels like I am free. 
Being a healthy weight feels amazing - I feel good about myself both physically and otherwise. 
Being rested and having energy feels empowering and I feel much more cheerful and up to the task.  I feel free to do what is in front of me to do. 
Having good friends who are there for me and a spouse who loves and supports me empowers me and helps me keep moving forward.
Overall I actually feel less restricted and more free, not deprived but blessed and grateful, when I live within my means.


In our culture our 'freedom'  in the moment is more important to us than our overall freedom.  And feeling good about ourselves in this moment of time is what we want, more than feeling good about ourselves as a whole person in our whole life.  Even though the result is what we actually want, we struggle to live within our means.

Not only have we completely forgotten about eternity, but we have zoomed in on right now so much that we have forgotten about our lifetime as a whole. 

The truth is, there is incredible beauty, value and freedom in each moment of time...and that beauty, value and freedom exists because each single moment creates the whole story.  

Without the whole story, there is no significance to this moment.
Beauty, value and freedom do not exist outside of the whole story.

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Letting Go

I spoke to two friends this week, both of whom really  need something from God.  Okay - we all qualify for that!  Problem is, both of them, although they are in quite different situations and with different needs, both of them are holding tightly to something else - something that has met or should be meeting their need.  But it isn't.  So there is grasping, frustration, longing, wishing, and sometimes anger directed at this thing they are holding so tightly to, while they simultaneous try to deal with their unmet need. 

It reminds me of a kid who climbs a tree or tries the monkey bars but runs out of strength, and ends up dangling from branch or bar.  When we are that kid, we shout for help because the ground is way too far down and we are not strong enough to either continue to the end or to pull ourselves up from our dangling position.  Our arms get tired and our hands hurt, and we know we are going to fall, so we yell for someone to come and save us. 

I have often been the adult to the rescue, for my own kids or for my students. What I have to do, because the branch is a couple of feet above my head, is grab their legs and try to help bear their weight a bit so that they feel like they will not fall.  This position is still quite unsatisfactory however, because their center of balance is still above me.  Their hands and arms feel some relief from the weight, but they still feel the precarious nature of their position.  In order to keep their balance and not fall, head first now because I have their legs, is to hold tight to the branch.  But I have to ask them to let go of the branch.  Often this requires a great deal of persuasion.  They, too strongly, can feel the unstable nature of legs-only support.  And so it takes much reassurance - many promises that they won't fall, but that they must let go.  And then when they do let go, there is a terrible moment or two of wobbly nothingness before they reach down and grab my head for dear life or, preferably, let me loosen my grip on them enough so that I can let their body drop down just enough for me to hold their torso, and carry their whole weight.  Then I can set them carefully on terra firma.

The whole thing is risky business.  But in order for me to hold them securely and stop them from falling, they have to let go first - even though there are a few terrible moments of feeling like falling when they do. 

I think often we do this with God too...we want and need terribly for him to rescue us, but we are terrified to let go of our branch...

I thank my friends for this reminder.  Sometimes things are easier to see first in someone else's life before I see it in my own.