when youth passes

when the cloud of youth passes,
when hope evaporates
as potential, choices and possibilities
are no longer promises
but plain reality

we are left with the pain of our childhood
once blissfully obscured by escape and the hope of its cancellation

violations long buried or even forgotten
in our pursuit of life
resurface, as sharp as when they had just happened
no longer shaded and safely tucked away

our surprise is real and shocking
our denial lame and limp and ineffective
we know that an attempt to cover it back up might be futile again

Jesus let us find you in this pain
we thought was long forgotten
but you were waiting for this day
for this time

when we are out of breath
unable to run or to keep shovelling, keep covering
are you there?
or is our disappointment too great to also face this fresh old pain?

you are grace
you are love
you are tenderness and mercy
you have been waiting here for us

to at last reveal yourself
to comfort those who mourn
to provide for those who grieve in Zion
a crown of beauty for ashes
the oil of joy for mourning
a garment of praise for a spirit of heaviness

you are the God of the exchange

as we sought you with our youthful hope
may we find you in our pain
a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief

do we need to stop searching in order to find you?
but we cannot, or we will die




"I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity." "What do you want me to do for you?"

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."

Keep Looking For the Sea

Today my heart is heavy...I am thinking of all my friends who are living with massive disappointment right now...who are looking for the sea. It is a heart-wrenching search...today I am thinking of them and praying that they will have the courage to keep looking.


Once Upon a time there lived a sea lion who had lost the sea.
He lived in a country known as the barren lands. High on a plateau, far from any coast, it was a place so dry and dusty that it could only be called a desert. A kind of coarse grass grew in patches here and there, and a few trees were scattered across the horizon. But mostly, it was dust. And sometimes wind, which together make one very thirsty. Of course, it must seem strange to you that such a beautiful creature should wind up in a desert at all. He was, mind you, a sea lion. But things like this do happen.
How the sea lion came to the barren lands, no one could remember. It all seemed so very long ago. So long, in fact, it appeared as though he had always been there. Not that he belonged in such an arid place. How could that be? He was, after all, a sea lion. But as you know, once you have lived so long in a a certain spot, no matter how add, you come to think of it as home.

***
There was a time, many years back, when the sea lion knew he was lost. In those days, he would stop every traveler he met to see if he might help him find his way back to the sea.
But no one seemed to know the way.
On he searched, but never finding. After years without success, the sea lion took refuge beneath a solitary tree beside a very small water hole. The tree provided refuge from the burning rays of the sun, which was very fierce in that place. And the water hole, though small and muddy, was wet, in its own way. Here he settled down and got on as best he could.

John Eldredge tells this story, giving us a bit at the beginning of every chapter...I think of the sea lion often since I did this book as a study several years ago...From the Journey of Desire Searching for the Life We've Only Dreamed Of, by John Eldredge, Thomas Nelson Publishers Nashville, c. 2000. Click on the title of this post to read the sea lion's whole story...

Loving without Fixing

So I have started a monthly support group for people who are trying to Love without Fixing - and by that I mean learning to support another for the long term or through a crisis, intentionally but without an agenda.

It is a challenging thing to do, to be involved in someone's life but without an agenda. From the sound of things I am not the only one who wants to be able to fix it for everyone. There seems to be this compulsion or need for results and effectiveness.

Like one of the people who came out to group last night shared - I seem to cycle in and out of 'fixing' mode...I give up fixing for a time, and then my agenda seems to creep back in without me noticing. So I have started to pay attention and be watchful, so that I can 'nip that in the bud' as it were and stay agenda-free. So we talked about the following -

How Do I Know If I Am Trying to Fix Someone - If I Have An Agenda?
Some possible indicator lights
• I feel frustrated when I don't see change
• I am always looking for indicators that things are improving
• I feel helpless, useless or worthless after I spend time with them
• I frequently feel like I have nothing to offer them
• I look for results as a measure of the value of my support
• As they share I am thinking about what advice I can give; in my mind I am searching for something helpful to say as they are talking
• I am very uncomfortable when I can't think of anything helpful to say
• I try and recruit others who I think have something more to offer this person than I do
• I choose to get involved in supporting someone only when I feel like I know something that might help them
• I can only see the problems, I have trouble seeing the gifts and strengths in them
• I focus on the challenges and not the whole person
• I don't feel like I can leave until they feel better
• I am afraid of what will happen to them if I can't help them
• I find myself thinking "so and so should read/hear this"
• I feel angry and frustrated with them when destructive/addictive behaviour does not change
• I think that since this person is not showing signs of change that I should move on to someone who could really use my help
• I am making judgements about their choices and behaviour
• I get frustrated when they don't follow my suggestions
• The person I am supporting is always doing what I say and not initiating anything on their own
• The person is always trying to put their best face forward with me and worries what I think of them when they can't do that
• They share good news with me, and only share their struggles when they have a 'victory' to report
• They are ashamed to tell me or pull back from our friendship when they are facing failure, grief or pain


Romans 5:8
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

just one bunch of the many flowers I was sent during my recovery.

A 'Boundary Buster'

"Who is your number one "boundary buster"? Who is the foremost person in your life with whom it's difficult to set limits?" My current answer to that, weird as it might sound, is God. Or more correctly, my idea of what God wants from me.

This bible verse always smacks me right in the face with big gobs of guilt when it comes to boundaries.
Matt. 16:24-25 Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. NIV

When I read that verse I hear: "If anyone would come after me, he must lie to himself, ignore his feelings, put on a christian happy face, suck it up, push through his weakness, make a valiant effort and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to protect his personal life will lose it, but whoever surrenders his life for every good work will find it. Matt. 16:24-25 SIGV (Shelley's Internal Guilt Version)

Problem is, I have lived as though this is what this verse says, and so have a lot of other christians, and the result is burn-out, acts of kindness that are unsustainable and maybe even self-serving, and a judgemental attitude toward those unwilling to sacrifice as much as I do. So the truth of this verse interpreted that way just doesn't pan out in real life.

So here's another crack at it -

Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny his self-sufficiency, independence, willpower and strength and take up his cross like Jesus did at Gethsemane - Mark 14:34-36 "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death," he said to them. "Stay here and keep watch."
Going a little farther, he fell to the ground and prayed that if possible the hour might pass from him. "Abba,Father," he said, "everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will."
- and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life (with his own strength, and never admit his own sin and weakness) will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me (gives it all up in exchange for my life) will find it. 26 What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world (by being good and admirable and self-sufficient), yet forfeits his soul (because he lived a lie)? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul? STSV -Shelley's truth-seeking version, always subject to change.

I am so taken aback by Jesus at Gethsemane - He says to the God of the Universe, about The Plan of Salvation, designed since the beginning of time - I don't want to do this. I am overwhelmed with sorrow...if possible could I please not do this...
That is in no way lying to himself, sucking it up and pushing through like a tough guy on resolve and good intentions. That is the most honest prayer in the world, breath-takingly honest when you consider who said it and to whom. And then he asks "God but not my will, your will be done". Honesty, boundaries even, and then surrender. I actually think if we can't be that honest with God then we can't truly surrender either...we are just asking for a bail-out.

I seek honesty, the voice of God, and surrender.

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matt. 11:39-40 NIV

A little green in the midst of death and cold.

One Question Begats Another...

That whole list of personal responsiblities in my last post is a big one. I think we all are constantly growing up - learning to own these for ourselves. It is a very tall order - to be someone who juggles all these things well for ourselves! This post is me thinking outloud and trying to untangle some of this for myself.

As I think about all this a very big question comes to my mind - What is it in me that causes me to to ignore my own boundaries, to drop my own balls in order to pick up yours? In another analogy, what causes my to run down my own fences as it were and do something for you that is actually your responsibility? Or what causes me to let you overrun my boundaries? We all do it, all the time. We blame and we accept blame inappropriately. But why? What am I so afraid of that I ignore my own needs and desires and bend over backwards for you? Why do I think I should rescue you from the conseqences of your own choices? Why am I afraid to say 'no' to you, (or 'yes' to you, as the case may be)?

I suspect that most of us have one big reason that underlies all or most of our fence crashing/ball juggling transgressions. For example, in the book Boundaries they talk about the underlying fear that if I say 'no' or 'yes' to you you might not love me anymore, and I might end up alone and abandoned.

It's easy (but not fun) to figure this out for yourself if you are someone who does more than they should - if you often are feeling stretched and stressed - just make yourself say 'no' whenever you just don't feel like doing something. And see what feelings rise up in you after a few days or few weeks of this. What guilt, what fears are surfacing in you? Is it easy or excruciating? Can others talk you out of your 'no' easily? What do they say that pushes your buttons and 'causes you to cave in?

The answer to this question for me - Why do I do too much for you? and Why do I feel so guilty when I say 'no'? is something about my ideas about pleasing God and being a good christian. If I acknowledge my own limitations and say no to your request of me, I don't feel like I am loving sacrificially, which christians are supposed to do, aren't they? If I can 'fix' you I feel like I am being effective and making a difference, and that makes me feel like I am being a good christian, even though I may be carrying balls that are yours to carry, not mine. If I say 'no' to my husband and express my own needs, am I being a good wife? If I don't do something for my kids am I being a good Mom? If I stop calling a friend 'cause she never calls me, am I showing christian love? If I don't carry your pain around in my heart, will I care for you like I should, like Jesus would?

...I have a lot of work to do, questions to answer, truth to find, feelings to acknowledge...sorry for mixing analogies of both balls and fences...but they both help me get my head around this whole invisible issue!

(On the other end of the spectrum is this question - Why do I get so angry when I feel neglected and not cared for? Why do I often feel that those close to me don't 'get me' or love me? Why do I not want to carry the balls that are mine to carry, expecting others to know how I feel and what I want and need, and expecting them to take care of me? I haven't got to this part of this issues yet, although I am very fortunate to have a husband who won't carry me...which has forced me to learn to carry alot of my own balls...)

fences keep the chickens from digging up all my flower beds! not to mention protect them from being fox food...